Good parenting is not just about correcting your children. It is also about examining yourself.
Every parent wants their child to grow into a respectful, honest, responsible, and successful human being. We guide them, correct their mistakes, and teach them the values we believe are important.
But in all our efforts to improve our children, we sometimes forget to examine our own behaviour.
Tarbiyat is not simply about telling children what is right and wrong. It is about creating an environment in which they can develop character, learn responsibility, and understand how to treat others. And much of this learning begins with us.
Before considering yourself a good parent, take a moment to reflect on these seven questions.
1. Before asking what is wrong with your child, have you ever asked what your child might be learning from you?
We tell children not to shout, yet sometimes we shout when they make mistakes. We expect honesty, but may struggle to admit when we are wrong. Our behaviour can teach lessons that contradict our words.
This does not mean every mistake a child makes is the parent’s fault. It means recognising that our example plays an important role in shaping their understanding of the world.
2. If your child learned how to treat people entirely by watching you, what would they learn?
Your child observes how you speak to your spouse, treat domestic workers, respond to disagreement, and behave when frustrated. Respect, kindness, and patience are not taught through words alone. Children need to see these values practised in everyday life.
3. When your child obeys you, are they learning responsibility, or simply learning to avoid punishment?
4. Does your child feel safe telling you the truth, even when that truth may disappoint you?
If every mistake leads to shouting or humiliation, children may begin hiding their problems instead of seeking guidance. Listening does not mean agreeing with everything your child says. It means understanding their perspective before deciding how to respond.
5. Does your child feel valued for who they are, or mainly for how well they perform?
6. When was the last time you apologised to your child—not to end an argument, but because you genuinely recognised your mistake?
7. What is one thing you can change in yourself today that may make a meaningful difference in your child's life?
You do not need to change everything overnight. Perhaps you need to pause before reacting in anger, listen without interrupting, stop comparing your child with others, or acknowledge your mistakes more openly.
Choose one change and practise it consistently. Parenting is not about becoming perfect; it is about remaining willing to learn and improve.
Tarbiyat Begins With Us
We often judge our parenting by looking at our children. Are they obedient? Are they performing well in school? Are they behaving as we expect?
But we must also examine the environment we create and the example we set. Are we helping our children develop honesty, responsibility, empathy, and the confidence to speak openly?
This is the deeper responsibility of Tarbiyat. It is not merely about correcting children; it is about helping them develop character and learn to make thoughtful choices.
In my book, Tarbiyat-e-Aulad Ka Nizaam, I explore the broader responsibilities involved in raising children and the importance of approaching their upbringing with awareness and care.
For parents who want to put these principles into practice, I have also developed the Effective Parenting Course, offering structured guidance on understanding child behaviour, improving communication, setting healthy boundaries, and building stronger parent-child relationships.
Continue Your Parenting Journey:
Read the book to deepen your understanding of Tarbiyat.